A Father’s Responsibility in the Betrothal Process
by Captain Bret
In Ephesians 5:22, Paul begins to explain about God’s design for husbands and wives, and how they are to relate to one another. And then in the middle of this discourse, in verse 32, he reveals a “profound mystery:” that these relationships were designed by God to be a daily reminder, a precious glimpse into the relationship between Christ and his church. I believe that God considers the path our daughters follow to reach the marriage altar to be an important part of this living example and testimony of God’s eternal purpose. In light of this, we fathers should ask an important question: How does God want the bride and groom to meet?
John 6:44
44 "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day.
(NIV)
John 17:6
6 "I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word.
(NIV)
Jesus seems to indicate that it is the father who brings the bride to the son. If this is an indication of God’s plan for human marriage as well, then there should be some precedent in the examples God gave us in Biblical history.
Interestingly, this proves to be the case.
Genesis 2:22
22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
(NIV)
Adam was the father of mankind. For his marriage, the very first marriage, the Bible is very specific in noting that it was God the Father who brought the bride to the man.
Abraham was the father of the promise, the one of whom Paul said in Galatians 3 that he is the father of all who believe in Christ. It was he who sent the servant to search out a bride for his son and brought her to him.
Genesis 24:1-4
1 Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the LORD had blessed him in every way.
2 He said to the chief servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh.
3 I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living,
4 but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."
(NIV)
That it was normative among God’s chosen people for the fathers to lead in the negotiations for marriage is borne out in several places, such as the story of Samson.
Judges 14:1-2,10
1 Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman.
2 When he returned, he said to his father and mother, "I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife."
10 Now his father went down to see the woman. And Samson made a feast there, as was customary for bridegrooms.
(NIV)
But God was not content to simply give us examples; he also gives us his direct command. After Judah had fallen to Nebuchadnezzar’s army and the people had been carried away into captivity, they were avoiding settling into their new home, hoping that they would be able to return quickly to their homeland. God spoke to them through the prophet Jeremiah, instructing them to settle down, live normal lives, and let him bless them where they were. Notice the commandment he gives them in
Jeremiah 29:6
6 Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease.
(NIV)
The father seeking a bride for his son is the first step in the process of Biblical betrothal, the earthly pattern which reveals the eternal purpose for the creation of man – God seeking a bride for his son. For thousands of years, this wisdom of fathers assuming the responsibility of taking the initiative in negotiating marriages was never questioned, any more than it was questioned that women were to submit to their husbands, and that marriage was between a man and a woman. However, as western culture has drifted farther and farther from Biblical truth, Biblical patterns for family interactions have not simply been ignored, but have become despised. The enemies of God have correctly judged that God’s patterns for the establishment and function of families provide men with their most powerful set of tools with which to obey God’s command to take dominion over the earth. And so, all of the ancient Biblical customs of family culture have been attacked and vilified.
The most current attack is on God’s pronouncement against homosexuality, and most Christians today are resisting this attack, though many have already come to accept popular culture’s acceptance of this “alternative lifestyle.” Unfortunately, however, most American Christians long ago abandoned other crucial Biblical norms because they are despised in popular culture. Think about how modern movies and books show the following themes:
This last theme in particular is always grossly caricaturized in books and movies by showing “arranged marriages,” where young children are bartered by their parents and coerced into marriages that supposedly provide some sort of economic or political advantage to their conniving parents. The Biblical and historical example of the betrothal process is a far cry from this portrayal. Rather, it looks much more like the process of AUTHORIZED ROMANCE outlined by teachers such as Dr. S.M. Davis of Park Meadows Baptist Church in his video “God’s Plan for Finding a Mate,” or Jonathan Lindvall in his videos “Scriptural Betrothal,” “Shamefaced Romance,” and others.
#1 The Father Seeks The father of the young man approaches the father of the young woman and asks him to pray about the possibility that God may wish their children to marry.
#2The Parents Confer The young woman’s father speaks to his wife, perhaps to elders in his fellowship, and prayerfully considers the young man as a suitor for his daughter. No mention of this is made to any of the children in either family. In this way, both the young man and young woman are free to focus on serving God wholeheartedly, without inflaming passions or imaginations before the appropriate time. The families should try to spend as much time as possible doing things together during this evaluation period, so that all the parents involved can observe the interaction between all the family members. This is also the time for both sets of parents to ask pointed questions of each other and to have lengthy discussions about the philosophies and ideologies they have instilled in their children.
#3 The Young Man Considers If the woman’s father does not believe this is God’s will, for whatever reason, the negotiations are broken off, and the young man never even knows that he was rejected. However, if all the parents authorize the romance, the next step is for the parents of the young man to approach him with the idea of considering this young woman for marriage. If the young man believes he is ready to marry, and he has an interest in the young woman, he contacts the woman’s parents and begins the process of seeking God’s will in this matter. He should have many questions to discuss with her parents, and they will have questions for him. The young woman’s father may invite the young man to spend some time with him, perhaps helping him with his work or some ministry project. The young man should spend time in prayer, in discussions with his own parents, and perhaps with elders in his fellowship.
#4 The Young Man Proposes If at any point in this stage of the negotiations there is no longer agreement by everyone involved that they are moving in God’s will, the process is stopped, and the young woman never even knows about the negotiations. In this way, her father is boldly and diligently performing his role as the protector of his daughter’s heart. However, if agreement is preserved, the young man offers a formal proposal of marriage to the woman’s father. This proposal would be the young man’s request to open a direct dialogue with the young woman, and a commitment that with satisfactory agreement on the matters discussed, the young man WILL betroth. This commitment is crucial to prevent the young man from sinning against the woman by “defrauding” her – arousing hopes and desires that are then unfulfilled. (Song of Solomon 8:4, Mark 10:19, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6)
#5 The Young Man and Young Woman Confer When the young woman’s father presents the proposal to his daughter, she may choose to reject it outright. Should she desire to proceed, her father must then prayerfully consider how to help the young couple achieve a dialogue that will answer their questions about each other. Should he allow them to correspond by mail or email? Will he allow them to speak directly to one another? It is his responsibility to monitor these discussions, and ensure that the young man is not winning his daughters affections before a betrothal. The young woman will want to spend much time in prayer, in discussions with her parents, and perhaps with elder women in her fellowship.
#6 The Young Man and Young Woman Betroth If during their dialogue the young woman or the young man determine that this is not God’s will, the negotiations are terminated. Because of the methodical, prayerful way these negotiations were done, this termination can be done with no animosity on the part of any of the people involved, and the two families can continue to fellowship as friends. However, should an agreement be reached, then a betrothal ceremony is planned. The word “betroth” means “by one’s truth,” and implies a promise which a man and a woman make to one another, before God and human witnesses, upon which they stake the integrity of their character. Both parties enter into the betrothal recognizing that this is not simply an engagement, that can be broken off because of a disagreement or “cold feet.” Rather, they are covenanting together to bring the marriage to fulfillment, just as we are betrothed to Christ (1 Corinthians 11:2) and we are “persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day” (2 Timothy 1:12).
This process, as outlined above, comes as close to following the examples of scripture and the wisdom of history that I can find. And yet, a desire to return to these time-honored traditions are STILL not enough to fulfill our God-given responsibilities as parents in regards to guiding our children into marriage. God makes it very clear in Jeremiah 29; FIND WIVES FOR YOUR SONS – GIVE YOUR DAUGHTERS IN MARRIAGE. Gentlemen, this entails doing three things that require great courage on our part, for they leave us vulnerable to ridicule and embarrassment.
#1 We must go out of our way to meet and extend friendship to men of multi-generational vision, men who “manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.” (1 Timothy 3:4) Men who through their own daily teaching of the word have trained their sons to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” (Ephesians 5:25-26) Men who, with the help of their Godly helpmeets, have trained their daughters “to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” (Titus 2:4-5)
#2 When our sons are ready for marriage, we must be willing to speak to these men concerning their daughters, asking them to pray about the possibility of pursuing negotiations. This may result in some of them taking offense at you, just as people took offense at Christ for his bold words. (Matthew 13, Mark 6) After speaking to one father about his daughter, I received an angry email scolding me for “matchmaking,” one of those words the enemies of God use to try to distort Scriptural concepts. Unfortunately, he did not find it unusual that he could find no Scriptural argument for his scolding whatsoever, but only the “wisdom” of the world.
#3 When our daughters are ready for marriage, we must make it clear to Godly men who have marriageable aged sons that we are open and approachable with regards to discussing the marriage of our daughters. Think about it – what greater compliment could any man give than to tell you what wonderful, Godly girls you have reared! For a man to approach me, wanting me to consider giving one of my daughters in marriage, is just about the highest honor he could bestow upon me. Why would I disdain him for that? And yet, I have met numerous men with marriageable aged daughters who make no effort to be friendly, who appear aloof and unapproachable when meeting new Christian families at church gatherings and events. And then they wonder why their daughters are not married!
Dereliction in our duties in these areas is no small matter. Contemporary examples of the consequences of the failure of parents to guide their children into authorized romance are overwhelming; emotional promiscuity, broken hearts, fornication, bastard children, abortion, divorce, ad nauseum. What about Scriptural examples? These are numerous as well, – Isaac, Jacob, David – but I want to focus on one in particular; Lot.
Genesis 19:30-32
30 Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave.
31 One day the older daughter said to the younger, "Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth.
32 Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father."
(NIV)
The story of Lot has some striking similarities to the stories of some fathers today. Like Lot, they have decided to leave the wickedness of Sodom, to take their daughters and “flee to the mountains.” They often feel isolated, like they are living in a cave. Even within their church they are looked upon with suspicion, because their children don’t go to Sunday School or Youth Group with all the other kids. They have taught their daughters not to get involved in the “dating scene.” These girls are following the leadership of their father, patiently waiting on him to “give them in marriage.”
But the father does nothing. Perhaps he is caught up in his own problems and activities. Or maybe he is just “waiting on the Lord.” He may even spend time each week praying that “God will do something,” when all the while God’s Word has clearly spoken; It’s time for HIM to do something! Meanwhile, the girls are waiting. How many of these young ladies are tempted to follow the example of Lot’s daughters, to say among themselves, “There is no man around, our father is going to do nothing for us; we must take matters into our own hands?”
The Lord has given me the tremendous blessing of three daughters, ages 17, 15, and 14. My two oldest daughters have undergone a ritual that my youngest will soon be emotionally mature enough to experience. I took each of them on a “date” to her favorite restaurant, just father and daughter. After the meal, I went over some passages of scripture, reminding her of things we had studied in our regular family worship times, including Proverbs 23:26: “My son (or daughter), give me your heart and let your eyes keep to my ways.” Then I gave her a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant, in the center of which is a keyhole. Then I gave her a tiny key, telling her that this represents the key to her heart. I then asked her to prayerfully consider giving me the key to her heart. I encouraged her to take her time, talk to her mother, and pray about this before deciding. If she gave me the key, she would be making a vow before God and me to give all of her affection to her father, not looking at or even THINKING about another man, until such time that both she and I agreed that it was God’s will for me to give the key to another man. Then, and only then, would she be AUTHORIZED to give her heart to another.
To my very pleasant surprise, in both instances my daughters immediately gave the key back to me, saying, “I don’t need to consider this any further; I am ready to give you the key to my heart!” Both of them have kept their vows. They do not date, they do not have intimate conversations with young men, or flirt with them. Their intimate friends are all young ladies who also practice emotional purity, and they encourage one another in allowing their fathers to guard their hearts.
So what am I doing? I am praying for my daughters’ future husbands, asking God to prepare them and protect them. But I am also actively forging friendships and alliances with men who have reared Godly sons who would properly care for my daughters as wives, and be strong and Godly fathers to my grandchildren. My wife and I both agree that we believe our oldest daughter is ready for marriage; however, she insists that she is not. But when she tells me that she also believes she is ready, I do not intend to be timid in letting my friends know that she is prepared to make some young man a WONDERFUL wife!
For my son, I have entered into negotiations with several like-minded, Godly men who have marriageable aged daughters. By discussing our visions for our children’s futures, and talking about the different things each of us feel are important, we “sharpen” one another and help each other focus on fulfilling our responsibilities as a father. I believe it is through this act of obedience to God’s Word that we can put ourselves in a position for the Holy Spirit to reveal to us the “perfect match” for our sons.
Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” Let us all prayerfully examine ourselves, and make certain that our inattention to duty is not exasperating our faithful sons and daughters. By preferring one another in love, and by being quick to forgive one another for real or imagined “offenses,” we can engage in healthy dialogue with our Christian brothers concerning these important issues, and be open to what God may have in store in the way of a blessed future for our children!